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from The Slip-Knot
“Family Planning”
Family Planning is a euphemism, it’s one of the euphemisms
at the drugstore
Family Planning is a euphemism for CONDOMS
There are some other things in the section
Pregnancy tests, ovulation kits
I suppose as a section it really is Family Planning
But it’s like ninety per cent condoms
The focus is on a pretty specific family plan
Ever go to a drugstore and buy nothing but
condoms?
That’s a lot of fun
Most people don’t
Most people will avoid doing that at all costs — they’ll
buy things they don’t even need, to drown out the condoms,
to make it look like the condoms were just one of a list of
things they happened to need to stock up on that day
But maybe you’re in a rush, maybe you’re absentminded,
maybe you’re short on cash
Whatever the case may be you might suddenly find yourself
at the checkout stand with nothing in your hand but a box
of condoms
And the cashier’s poker-faced
She’s a pro, she knows exactly what to do
She takes ’em, blips ’em, puts ’em in the bag
Pretends not to have even noticed what your one item was
Pretends not to have judged you
Pretends not to have checked to see if they were regular-sized
or large
And if they were large, pretends not have scoped out the size
of your hands to see if you deserve them
But she noticed
And she judged
And she scoped
And she made a comment — telepathic though it was
And you heard it
And that comment most certainly was not
“Have fun Planning your Family”
“Feminine Hygiene” — or as
I like to call it “Euphemism Central”
Feminine Hygiene is a euphemism for Tampons and Maxi-Pads
oh but we can’t say that
Heaven forbid you should call something by its name
Even “Maxi-Pad” is a euphemism
If you look at the word “Maxi-Pad” all it means,
in and of itself, is Big Pad
Sanitary Napkin just means Clean Napkin
and Maxi-Thin means Big Small — it’s an oxymoron!
But we can’t even call it by the oxymorons,
We have to say “Feminine Hygiene”
It’s very gentle, and inoffensive
Although it kind of implies that it’s for the Feminine
as opposed to the Female
Well then, does that include effeminate men?
Does that exclude butch women?
And “Hygiene” — what is Hygiene
I looked it up
Cleanliness and Appearance
Well you may as well call the whole goddam store “Feminine
Hygiene,” then!
At least three-quarters of the things we sell in a drugstore
are exclusively for the cleanliness and appearance of women
Makeup, Makeup Remover
Nail Polish, Nail Polish Remover
Leg Waxing Strips — Body Sugaring Kits
Nylons — Pantyhose — Control Tops
Maternity Bras, Nursing Pads
Fancy Shampoos, Fancy Conditioners
Fancy Hairsprays, Fancy Mousses
Hair Clips, Hair Bands, Hair Elastics, Hair Curlers, Hair
Dryers, Hair
Bleach, Hair Colouring, Hair Colouring Remover
Skin Cream, Cold Cream, Anti-Aging Cream
Soaps that are made out of fruits and smell like fruits and
are shaped . . . like fruits!
Body Mist, Body Spray,
Shower Gel, Shower Meshes
Perfume, Scented Creams, Scented Lotions
Antiperspirants and Deodorants that are “pH-Balanced
for a Woman” and come in a slightly smaller, daintier
and more feminine-coloured-andshaped container than the ones
for men and have flavours that always manage to incorporate
the word “Fresh”:
Active Fresh
Morning Fresh
Shower Fresh
Sporty Fresh
Baby Fresh
Powder Fresh
Ocean Fresh
Citrus Fresh
and . . .
Fresh
Not to mention tampons, maxi-pads, douches
Intimate moisturizers
Personal lubricants
as opposed to what — Impersonal Lubricants?
Public Lubricants?
And last but not least, the feminine euphemism that’s
only on prescription:
The Pill
At least three-quarters of the customers
are women
At least
And none of these feminine products are cheap
And there’s no male equivalent to most of them
I never realized how expensive it is to be a woman
Might I add, it’s very few men coming
in to buy the diapers and baby
powder and baby cream, either
In this enlightened day and age
It’s still always a woman by herself pushing a stroller
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